Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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