i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
