you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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