I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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