I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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