toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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