Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
