Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
