dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
