just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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