I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
