i just sent this text using only my big toe
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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