I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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