Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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