but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
