I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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