Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
