so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
