Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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