I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
