mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
