I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize