oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
