I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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