You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
