based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
