I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
