I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
