The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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