Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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