I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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