3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
