Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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