I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
