Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
