well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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