i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
