shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
