Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
