Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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