the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
