I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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