she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
