I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
