So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
