and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She needs sedatives and a leash
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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