Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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