peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
