A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
