Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
