As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
