mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
