Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
