If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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