Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
