It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
this boner is exhausting
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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