Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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