My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize